I can't help it that's just the way I feel...

This goes out to everyone... who is upset or pissed or mad at me for reading my blog. Fuck you!! Its my blog and you don't have to read it. I can't help it that you keep coming back to read on for more. These are MY FEELINGS I can't change them, if you want I can sensor them more then what they are already, but what would be the fucking point. So I have posted this web page everywhere so read on and you can FEEL what you want about it and I don't care because that is the way YOU FEEL! So leave a comment or shut the fuck up. M. this is not meant for you.

What happened this weekend...

Ok lets see this is the wonderful exciting things I did this weekend.
Friday after work I came home and changed and killed some time before I had to drive out to Surrey to feed Robyns fish as her Steve and Nisha went out to Banff for Nicole's Wedding. I drove out to Surrey enjoying the amazing weather, I brought some towels over and took advantage of having a washer and dryer to use. It was pretty late by this time and thought I would call around and see if anyone from the Delta crew was up to doing anything as I didn't really want to drive all the way home after driving all the way out there. So I go a hold of Nicole and I grabbed a DVD from Robyns HUGE collection and we went and watched Swingers. Then I went home and had a hard time getting to sleep as it was super hot that night. Two cold showers later It was nice and comfy in bed.

Saturday morning I got up and went out side and basked in the sun while listening to The Faith, then I had another cold shower...really I do love the heat but I also like to be cool. Tonight was the night we are supposed to be going out for Nicole's Birthday, its just the girls and plans have already changed a few times. Initially we were supposed to be going to Bimmini's on 4th, then to the Roxy then to Sky Bar all fine by me, then Lauren's friend Jen (who was supposed to have her birthday on Friday) changed her mind and decided they were going out Saturday night, so Lauren wasn't going to be able to join us at the bar. Soooo we yet again changed the plans and we ended up going to the Mirage in Surrey (wow it was a Surrey kind of weekend) any ways first I packed a bag and figured I have to go feed Robyns fish again so why not just bring all my clothes and makeup and get ready at Nicole's. So I pack everything and jump into my car and drive out to Surrey yet again, The fish were doing great, I fed them and then watched channel 59 which are the security camera'a What fun this was as it seems to be moving day and HOT guys were involved. After a hard afternoon of watching hot sweaty guys I headed out with Nicole and we did some shopping then back to her place to get ready for a night out. So it ended up being Laura, Nicole, Lauren, Lindsay and Myself for diner, then Lauren headed off to Jenn's and the rest of us headed to the Mirage. We stood in line for what was way to long then we finally said Fuck it, why wait this long to get into what is only a Surrey club at that, so then we all started to walk away when one of the bouncers comes running after us saying wait don't leave...he then offered us free cover and we took it...really it was 11:40 what else were we going to do. So he asks us all for our ID's and we grab them.. fuck were the oldest people here...and fuck I don't seem to have my ID, he let me in anyway..I mean come on im 27, so we head in and we had a solid night of 21 and 23 year olds trying to pick us up...it was kind of cute..if only they new how much older we were. Ok so after a night of Lind's and I cutting down half the bar we headed back to Nicoles where I ended up crashing around 4:30 then getting up the next morning at 9.

Sunday morning I was already in Surrey so I was off to Robyns to change my laundry over and clean myself up a bit. Shawn phoned and wanted to do breakfast, I was happy to do so and also to get all the juice on the newest girl Angie who he picked up on the skytrain. So I picked him up at Skytrain and for some reason we drove all the way downtown to have breakfast at Denny's on Davey...yes there is a Denny's in Surrey and one in the COQ, we also passed the one on Burrard but we ended up on Davey...And it was shit..note to self don't go back to Denny's. So after that we stopped off at my place because I was still baffled as to where my driver's license was as I can't remember the last time I used it...It was in my jean's Kristy ann and I had went to the cheese...see drunken blog post.. after that quick stop we went back to Shawn's and both napped on the couches then I realized the time, I had to pick up my Grandma and drive out to White Rock for a BBQ at mom's and make a quick stop at Robyns to pick up the last of my laundry as she is back tonight.

So we had a good BBQ It was Ma, Gram, Tammy, Shawna, Michelle and her boyfriend Travis and myself. We had some good hamburgers and some good conversations. One being the rejection of Michelle's piercing...Ouch, I was always worried about that when I had my nipple done!!! Lucky for me its all good, because she has a nice scar on her belly button. Well was exhausted by this point, Shawn had also called to mention that he was going to the Snoop Dogg concert...the last time I went to a Snoop concert it was horrible...I like him, but he's bad when he is by himself...So I am still waiting to here how that went...hopefully no gangster boys ruffed him up and showed him what a real gang bang is....

Just a Story.

To have or not to have

The short story of a tragic ending…

Once upon a time in a far far away land lived a creature by the name of Bart Borg, he was a well-liked creature by all the other creatures, until one day… He decided to leave the land far far away and go to the land further further away. He decided that this land further further away would help in his future to create a better life for him and his family he will one day have.

So in preparation for his trip he decided to make the long haul to the land further further away with as little of his prize positions as possible and by doing this he started to offer out his belongings to all the other creatures in the land of far far away. One particular instance seems to stand out in this storyteller’s mind…it may be because of the direct impact it had…but one will never know.

The convenience of Bart leaving at this time was great for one due to the fact that another creature was also moving (but staying with in the land of far far away) and this one creature lets call her Nora was struggling to fill her apartment with furniture necessities to sleep and sit on. When Bart came forward and offered a bed to sleep on…sure Nora was a little skeptic…who knew what mileage it had. But when Nora came to his dwellings and laid her eyes upon the sweet red velvet couches she fell in love at once…(despite the odd odour coming from the other room).

At this immediate time Nora put forth an offer and made it clear that she loved the couches and would take them. Nora then set off to find her room partner who she would have to bestow the couch upon. It was the last step in the final approval. Two days had passed when Nora was finally able to call Bart and confirm that the sweet velvet red couches were to be hers and that’s when he broke the news…

Yes this part of the story is hard to tell because of the sad tragic out come…when that call was placed a shaky voice said…oh you wanted the couches sorry I didn’t really think you did and I sold them to my friend. Then there was a thud and that was Nora’s heart coming to a sudden stop. Bart felt her pain but still was able to offer the bed. Nora accepted and as the days past slowly got over the love of the sweet red velvet couches that she almost had.

Then as part of the healing process Nora decided to go out and buy a brand new couch even know it wasn’t in the budget…but it would help her get through this hard time. So after spending $2500.00 on brand new couches the pain went away and she was able to forgive Bart and move on with her life…Until the day after she bought the couches she was making her way home when her phone rang…and who was it on the other end of that call…yes that’s right it was Bart.

Good news he says… my friend no longer wants the sweet velvet red couches and they are yours!! Their was an lengthy silence and then a little whimper…that’s when Nora brook the news…I just bought new couches!!! “oh” said Bart “are you sure” Nora was sure but now Bart had to find someone to take the sweet red velvet couches.

So with that I end this story saying…RIP sweet velvet red couches we will miss you greatly and if you every want to understand the love for the couches you can go visit them at the North Delta dump…or just rub up against Sylvia’s leg.

The End .

Writer’s notes:

No hard feeling Bart, its just a story worth telling. All the best, we will miss you.
Noelene Gagne

Prove me wrong.

I was once younger and more nieve, and dumbfounded in Love with my boyfriend who said "nothing lasts forever" I don't even remember how the conversation started, I don't know what we were doing, all I remember is him saying "nothing lasts forever" over and over in my head. I didn't respond I just starred ahead and was thinking. We went out for 5 1/2 years then it ended and I felt like it was an I told you so in my face.

But I didn't want to believe it I understand that we have many relationships through out our lives and we learn and grow from them. You can't base this statement on a relationship...if we all looked at the stats we would understand. But then as things went on I noticed more and more that all around me things were not lasting forever.

I know we all have to die at sometime but I think I have been to too many funerals! This just makes me understand why nothing lasts forever.

My school ended and friends started parting. My dance ended and we stopped traveling. I changed jobs and it was just different. My family changes often I have been the youngest the oldest and the middle child. I have had many father figures. I have had grandparents and then they were gone...Yet they have not died.

Why when something is so good and makes you so happy does it have to come to an end? Why is it that nothing lasts forever?

And its not that I can't go hang out with those friends or go on other trips, but its not the same. I could call my family and try and make it work. Its hard, Its new, its different, its not the comfort we had before.

Everyday the words "nothing lasts forever" goes through my head. Everyday I fear that its going to be my last with you.

Anyone else melting..?

Man its hot....or as Pedro would say Hout.

My hands are sliding off the key board and at any minute I am afraid I my electrocute myself...

The worst part is I am being taunted by the pool outside my window. The beautiful pool that looks so refreshing that pool...That is not yet opened..talk about torture.

I must go take a cold shower now.

hmmmm can't type well

Shit it only took me five or so times to log onto my blog as I may; have had some drinks tonight.

Not that I can afford to go out and have a good time, but my roommate insisted on treating so we can talk about the always popular subject of boys/men. So I phoned up my guy whom I was seeing the one where I had felt that it was not going to work because I just didn't feel that much needed chemistry or spark if you will. I not so easily advised him that it was not going to work out and Really I feel like shit because of it. I mean I know it wasn't going to work out and that's why it had to be done, but I don't think I have ever had to break up with a guy who was that nice and sincere. The past guys have all gave me very good reasons to kick there ass to the curb (don't cheat I will hurt you). But this guy not so much and I think that's why it was so hard. I had to call most of my friends to get advice because I was pretty much sucking at it. But he seemed to take it well, wait I forgot I lied to him, I felt sooooo bad I didn't want to tell him there was no chemistry so I said there was someone else...OK guys is this wrong would you assuming your a great guy want to be told there is someone else or would you want to be buffed with a little lie saying there was someone else...am I wrong should I have been truthful and said he we have no chemistry and that's that...Shit I should have done that shouldn't I.

Well I never said I was good at this and Its not like getting advice from Shawn or Tammy is that good anyway. Sorry guys...I am wrong your advice is GREAT...Remember I have been drinking many drinks.

Now what, back to square one, I'm so exhausted from dating its hard work and is stressing me out... I would much rather have sex with random (clean) people it may just be easier.

Ok so most of this has not made any sense...I will have to probably delete it later..so if your reading this remember it and consider yourself lucky because it may be gone the next time your here.

Just some mind blowing information

Stats are fun...

Population

Canada: 31,281,092
British Columbia: 197,292
Vancouver: 560,000
Coquitlam: 51,130
Burnaby: 197,292

That's a hole lot of people. Hint hint.

I love this tatty and I am testing trying to put pic's on my blog...so thats why its here 

I'm always right...Aren't I

I am don't argue with me.

I'm just making this harder on myself...

Why is it when we go out with someone be it male or female and we don't have that spark that chemistry that...that thing that you know is missing, why is it so hard to tell them that? Or is it just me are there more people who are heartless and can do this kind of thing? What do you want to here when someone is telling you to basically get the F**K away.

*Sorry it's not you it's me
*I am interested in someone else
*I'm not attracted to you at all

?????????what do I say...Because I have to say something...I tried to use the body language...but who knows if that worked.

People just keep telling me to tell the truth...but really the truth can hurt and this would definitely hurt, it would just show how petty and small I really am and do I need to make someone feel like shit so I can tell the truth?

Yes I am being petty and small and yes I don't want to be with this person. This IS the way I feel and I shouldn't have to justify that...its just the way it is.

Now I wonder who I am trying to convince.

Should we know better?

Questions... with no answers.

Should we know better; some times I wonder why I do things and I wonder why other people do them too. Why is it that half the time we have to learn from our mistakes. Why can't we just be advised on the right way to do things so we don't have to bugger around and figure it out.

Frustration is taking me over!

Putting it all out there

What is a Blog....This is a Blog and this is my Blog and typical to me it has tons of errors throughout...

But I have been keeping this for sometime and I thought it would be a bit more fun to share it with you all...I can't say its all that entertaining because really its not. But its mostly me...

Other People's Kids

Driving over the Alex Fraser Bridge Heading towards New Westminster, Older model pick up truck comes out of Queens Burrow turns the corner and the tail gate falls off his truck and is holding on by what looks like a bungie cord..one little bungie cord at that, tools fly from the back of his truck and sparks are flying as the tailgate drags along the street. Yet this brilliant driver continues on

HOW can you NOT notice your tailgate following along beside your truck on the highway...it was pretty loud as well.

Really how slow are some people...

Do what is right...

Ok so I give advice, I never said it was the right thing to do...

I like to think my head is filled with what is called common sense, and I like to think everything has a solution be it easy or hard. But I have never though I was always right.

With this I would like to add this disclaimer "I think this is what you should do, but ultimately its up to you"

We are only human right.

My weekend End.

So did I do anything exciting this weekend...

Friday: I came home from work and I spoke with Shawn who spoke of going to one of his friends Andrews shows-which seems really cool and I would eventually love to see. Well I didn't end up going and someone else didn't end up with a number - do we call that a bust?

Saturday: Morning I got up and Shawn and I went shopping on 4th, and then to Pacific Center. Goal was to get some new shirts for myself and for Shawn NOT to spend any money. Both goals accomplished although not DT but in Burnaby. Eli Phoned while we were shopping on 4th and Plans were made to hook up later.

Saturday: Night I drove out to Surrey and picked up Eli at his girlfriends house and then we went to Donagoals to eat and drink and visit girlfriend aka Miranda. We soon left and went to the Lion, played some pool and quickly became board and then went to New West to Dan's work "the twist" we left there and headed over to Steves house where video game playing commenced, after this I dropped strange dude?? off at bus stop then Eli at his car and then Dan off in Delta.

Sunday: I need to go grocery shopping long over due, so I pick Shawn up and we go to Stupid Store and I don't know what the deal is with that store but its seems that I always run into former boyfriends or boy toys there (maybe there just thrifty). Sooo Shawn got to meet Shaun, and Shena "Shaun's on again off again girlfriend" who apparently Shawn said was not looking very happy with me. hmmm is someone a bit bitter that I'm amazing...hehe. Once you've had the best the rest just sucks... "Conceded much" Ok so shopping commenced and then we came back to my house played around on the computer went for a walk to Rogers and then back to the COQ why do I feel we did something else ???

So I drop shawn off and call my sister as I am hungry and was thinking dinner. What I had forgot however was that I was supposed to be going to her place anyway for what is called a sip by sip party wine tasting and learning, so I forgot...opps I headed over and we drank wine and got a bit tipsy, I think I will hold a party myself, there isn't a bunch of stuff I would buy its a bit expensive and I think there should be more selection, but it is a brand new company and it is just starting. The web sight is still in the works but check it out it will be up soon www.sipbysip.ca

Well the end of the weekend is now and it went way to fast I don't look forward to going to work tomorrow but I will. Damn work, need money must go...

Practice what I Preach

I now find myself in a sticky situation.

The sad thing is I know what I need to do. I have told people a million times what to do, why can't I follow my own advice.

Ok so I have been dating this guy for about 2 1/2 weeks now and he is super nice, sweet, cute. He treats me like gold and he's funny and we can talk and talk. But I don't really like him. Its hard to say this, I'm kind of stuck on describing what my problem is...

I'm really confused right now. I feel like I am a horrible person because he is so into me it feels really good but I also know that if I don't feel the same way I shouldn't be hanging out with him leading him on. That's just soooo mean, if someone is totally into you you shouldn't have to feel bad because they feel that way. They will be much better off if we let them go so then they can move on and meet the person who is right for them and they won't do that if we are hanging onto them because we feel bad or guilty or we like them a bit but not the right way.

So its pretty clear what needs to be done, I need to cute him lose. This is the best thing to do for everyone. How would I feel If I was going out with someone and they were going along with everything I said because they didn't want to hurt my feelings... Screw that I would rather know!

Don't Hate me, but your the one who made me tell you.

Confused...No that's not it, Anger...No, jealousy...Yes sometimes...Understanding...Yes definitely, But then that makes me say yes to Confusion.

I look at myself today and start to understand what is wrong. I lie way to much, not huge lies but little lies and I think I have been doing this for so long that I now actually start to believe some of them myself. I think I lie to myself even, because this helps in convincing me what should be instead of what it is.

I look at myself and wonder why I am standing still, I hold myself back by holding on to others way to hard. Yes it hurts to lose them, but you can't always get what you want and isn't it better to have Love and lost then to have never to have loved at all.

I am manipulative, I am petty and I am evil. I plot and scheme to hurt my friends. I hurt myself more because of it. Sometimes my power scares me. Look what I have done so far, and don't tell me its not my fault. Everyone knows I had so much to do with everything. Maybe I'm not the one pushing the button but I am defiantly making sure someone is doing it.

Who does what I do? I don't think many people do. Maybe I'm crazy maybe I am sane...But whatever the case I am not happy.

Why do I inflict pain on myself like this, why do I keep going back for more, why can't I control my thoughts and feelings!! How can one person make me feel this way.

I'm not a good person I have done something to you.

My week so far...or what I remember

Monday I was so tired from my weekend I didn't do to much just chatted with my new friend on the phone. (bed at 2:30)

Tuesday Shawn and I went to see Moby and Buck 65 at the Commodore. It was a Great concert. Both artists can put on an amazing show! (bed at 1:45ish)

Wednesday I got off work at 3 and was supposed to go walking with Robyn but when she go to my house she didn't want to go anymore, so we went to Starbucks and picked a movie. We went to see the Ballot of Rose and Jack at Tinstle Town, that was good. It was strange to get out of the theater and it still be daylight out. Robyn and I went for diner on 4th at Sofies..which I now know is way OVER RATED, the portions were way to big and I just didn't like it that much. After coming home I watched Gilmore girls and then went to bed, and my new friend phoned again and we chatted till late. (bed 2:30)

Thursday I was a wreck at work, I could NOT function!! I needed sleep and I needed it bad. So I came home after work and lied on the couch then my buzzer rang and Nicole was here, her, Lauren, Lindsay and I were going out for diner...(if I can even make it) So I change and drag my ass over to Laurens and visit her new Kitten Bear..who is hands down the cutest kitten I have EVER seen. Then we all went off to Los Margaritas, but couldn't get in because of Sinco Demio, so we walked over to Hells Kitchen and had diner there, and I was impressed yum I had the best diner ever and a cold beer to go with it was just right. After that we all loaded into my car and went to the desert place on Alma and Broadway, Lauren and Nicole picked up some O-so-expensive desert and then we all went home (Nicole had a roast in the slow cooker) I was just happy to go home early to bed!!! So I get home and decided to try the computer again and it worked, and then I went to bed...but then my friend called and I was up till 12ish.

So today is Friday and I came right home after work, turned off my phone didn't go on the computer and went right to bed, had a GREAT nap and now im full of energy...well not really, I think I will have an early night.

My weekend...but not this one, Last weekend.

Well as said before I was not able to blog as my computer decided on Sunday night that it was going to stop working. Yes my computer is from the 90's and yes its a P.O.C. but its my link, it gets me my W.W.W. fix...and I need my fix.

So Lets start from Friday (computer worked fine)was having a nice relaxing evening at home, something like tonight (with less naps) and then around 10:30 after I had my walk my sushi and done my laundry...the phone rang. It was Kristyanne she wanted me to pick her up as she was not able to drive. So I go downtown to pick her and her boss up, I drop him off and then we discuss the Roxy..? We came home changed and left, it was pretty late and the U2 concert was that night so DT was just crazy. But she has her connections and she was able to hug our way past the line and in for free. Then we went to her bartender who was super and who treated us to many drinks...That's us and Nickel Back of coarse. Nickel Back was also there and we hung out at the bar with them, shared a couple shots and then we went on our way. I got home at 3:30 that night and must admit was drunk, I had to get up and drive Kristyanne to her car...Ouch!

Saturday after dropping Kristyanne off I drove over to Shawn's to attempt once again to submit my taxes net file style...I was not able to do it but did advance in getting a net file number and I left the job in Shawn's capable hands. We also headed out for some breakfast and a bit of running around as I had to pick up some things before watching my niece and nephew at Shawna's. So I got everything I needed and headed out to Langley...way out in Langley hung out and played with Cole and Saje and had some fun getting Cole to sleep as the poor little guy (7 mths) is teething AND had a cold. But in time he went down...yet another late night, I crashed at Shawna's house and then got up and did some cleaning and had breaky.

Sunday morning, I picked Shawn up at King George Skytrain (Shawn loves Surrey) and then we drove out to the states...We decided to take the peace arch crossing instead of the truck crossing...first mistake. There was a huge line up and it took some time for us to get through. But we did enjoy the entertainment. Yoga traffic Streching lady, We need some more pictures of the grass and the arch Asian Family and friends and the best of all US boarder crossing sticking a towel of drugs into the truck beside us and waiting for the drug dogs to find it...And we have to say...job well done!! So as we finally go across the line we stop at the first out let store...the place is dead...wow it used to thrive on the Canadian Dollar. Well that was lame then we headed off to the next out let, when I don't remember how, who or why but we decided...screw shopping lets drive to Seattle...Wow didn't realize how long of a drive it really was. But we got there and walked around the space needle and decided to go into the EMP (Experiment Music Project) it was quite exciting but I don't fell like I want to get into it..maybe just go check out the web site or go yourself. Then after that we got a bite to eat at Subway and GIANT Starbucks drinks...Giant I say!! Then we went Down Town and walked and walked and walked. We were extremely disappointed in the stores and thought there would be way more cool stuff, even the local un-named gay guy on the side of the street with the cool plugs said there were no good stores.

What to do what to do...Well we walked around and admired the cleanliness of Seattle...and I am not kidding. It looks like the alleys had been scrubbed and the bums had been cleaned. (and given cell phones?) But really it was Clean. So after many hours of that we started to go home, I had to stop in at my step-sisters Birthday in Delta at the Catus Club, then I had to go drop Shawn off then go home change then back to Delta to meet them and then bowling at Excalaber lanes. All in all it was a really good day...but really tiring one as well.

I have to say I had a pretty good weekend. Wish they could all be fun like that, but I am so tired as I haven't been to bed at a decent hour all week as well...see my week blog...

All events listed above may be inaccurate or a bit a-skew as the length of time to write them down has been longer then anticipated. Please do not hold any mistakes against me.

To Love or to Hate....THE DAMN COMPUTER THAT IS...

Ok so I know nothing about how or why computers work all I know is that I had a really great weekend hanging out with nickel Back going to Seattle with Shawn and watching Cole and Saje and wanted to Blog about it but my computer stopped working....I don't have time to write all my stories now, but I think I am up and running again so I will update everything Friday...Really what else do I do on Fridays anyway.